What turns a woman on?

2010-02-05T06:24:00.001-08:00

This question that has been pondered perhaps since the dawn of the human race.
What is it that women really want when it comes to sex? Is it to be ravished? Is it intimacy? Do women really want a “slow hand” or is that just a myth created by a song? And how does romance enter into the picture when it comes to sex?

An article that appeared in the NY Times last year entitled, What Do women want”, reveals the findings of several studies done with both men and women. It shows that women’s arousal is not always congruent with what they are thinking. The women in these studies were often aroused physically but not mentally, whereas the men were always aroused both in mind and body at the same time. The article also revealed that, gender notwithstanding, women can also feel turned-on if another woman desires them even if they are primarily heterosexual. Women's bodies respond even when their minds do not. And this is a significant difference between men and women.

Dr. Marta Meana at the University of Nevada says, “Female desire,” speaking broadly “is not governed by the relational factors that, we like to think, rule women’s sexuality as opposed to men’s.” “Really,” she said, “women’s desire is not relational, it’s narcissistic” — it is dominated by the yearnings of “self-love,” by the wish to be the object of erotic admiration and sexual need. Still, on the subject of narcissism, she cited research indicating that compared to men, women’s erotic fantasies center less on giving pleasure and more on getting it. “When it comes to desire,” she added, “women may be far less relational than men.”

The ancient tantric teachings of the Kama Sutra give explicit instructions on how to pleasure both a man and a woman. The ritual of courting and flirting, teasing and building erotic energy has a lot to say about the art of arousing a woman. Foreplay in itself when done with finesse can be a wonderful aphrodisiac. Tantra teaches us that the whole game of love is an art from beginning to end, not just the act of sex. The entire time you spend with your lover can be an opportunity to build your arousal and to keep the fires burning.

For myself, I find that arousal begins in the mind. When I am thinking about someone, or remembering a particular date that I had with that person, or fantasizing about what we might do with each other, my juices begin to flow. Then as the anticipation builds my body becomes even more aroused and yes, my desire begins to heat up. What I want is a man who is trained in the arts of love, who knows how to control his own sexual energy and how to arouse mine, and yes, a man who will ravish me at least some of the time.

Each woman will have different things that awaken her desire and passion. It is important not only for the man to find out what these things are, but for the woman herself to know what they are. The more she understands what turns on the heat for her, the better she will be able to tell her lover. So I invite you to take the time to ask yourself what do you really want in a lover? What arouses your passion and fills you with desire? And when you find the answer, don’t’ settle for anything less